As of August 25, 2015 I am a MFA. The last two years culminating
in the Graduate Residency have been an intensely bittersweet experience. This
period of constant critique and deep personal questioning has been both
exhilarating and dispiriting. Though the experience was never what I expected,
I wouldn't change any of it. As a person who longed for much of her adult life
to be part of an art community, the residencies have been a time to be in a
world of creative ideas outside of the demands of "real life". Long
conversations about ideas, self-expression and processes over many glasses of
wine could take place without any interference from practical concerns.
Returning to studio practice after the residency was always a frustrating jerk
back to reality, and the struggle to make relevant work.
The Grad School
experience was deeply transformative, but again, not in the way I expected. I went to
Grad School wanting to make art about the universal struggles of humanity.
I was making work that referenced spiritual evolution, and reflected on
alienation. It was suggested that I make work that was more personal. I made
new work that addressed these themes through my own spiritual evolution. Since I admired artists who made work with
political and social content, I also started making work that addressed my
concerns about the social and cultural problems of American society. My
attempts to make work with a political edge, as well as about my personal
beliefs about spiritual evolution were both rated confusing, inconsequential,
and bland.
The disconnect between what I thought was an
important theme in art and what I was expected to produce was profoundly
disorienting. For the first time in my creative life I found myself without any
idea about how to move forward.
The work of artists
who addressed their personal experiences of racism, loss and political
atrocities was inspiring; however, my experiences as a privileged, white,
middle class female seemed petty and trivial. Why would I want to make
art about that? This period of intense questioning of my beliefs and experience
ultimately became the source for my thesis and graduate exhibition work: Homeland Insecurity.
Now that I am on the
other side, I see the last two years as a constant see-saw between "I can
do this", and "I'll never be able to do this". It was the most
difficult experience of my work/school life. This is the crucible where sheer
determination out-weighs any talent you aspire to have as an artist.
The most profound realization came several
months after graduation. I expected the degree to give me a certain status as
an artist in the world, and it does. Those three letters make me eligible to
teach at the college level, and demonstrate a measurable level of knowledge and
competence. But surprisingly, I realized
that it was really about me proving that to myself. This accomplishment
is not and end but a another beginning in the lifelong vocation of being an
artist.
